Stuck in “How do I do that?” loop
People often reach out to me with how-to questions:
- “I understand that my fear of sleeplessness fuels my insomnia, and I understand that to get past that I need to learn to be more okay with being awake at night. But how do I do that?”
- “I recognize that I can’t simply force away my anxiety and panic. Instead, I should face them and see them as safe to experience. But how do I do this?”
- “I see that I need to pay attention to subtle sleep efforts, but what do I need to do for that?”
In the beginning, discussing the details and examples of how we might approach these ideas can help us see a clearer way forward. But sometimes we get stuck searching for the manual instead of actually experimenting with the ideas ourselves.
There is no perfect manual
There is no precise manual for acceptance, letting go of control, self-compassion or courage.
Just as no description of an apple can truly capture its taste, instructions can only take us so far. At some point, each person has to discover what these experiences mean for themselves.
I often imagine recovery as walking through a thick jungle at night. There are no paved paths, street lamps or navigation signs. But there is a night sky with the North Star offering some guidance – the fundamental principles of acceptance, effortlessness, compassion and courage.
And then there are all sorts of things in the jungle: boulders, creatures, swamps, rabbit holes, etc.
The rest is up to each of us – to put one foot in front of the other and find our way through.
“Okay, I see, but how do I do that??”
…
As much as I would love to give you precise instructions on how to move your muscles and take each step, the best I can do – and, frankly, the best anyone can do – is point you north and warn you about some of the boulders, creatures and rabbit holes you might encounter. So when you come across them, you might be a little more prepared.
The “walking” is entirely up to you.
When “how?” becomes another attempt at control
“How?” is often a perfectly reasonable question, especially in the beginning.
But at some point, repeatedly searching for more precise instructions can become a clever attempt to make the process predictable and secure – to avoid mistakes, always get it right and protect ourselves from experiences we don’t want to have.
Eventually, the question can start to sound almost paradoxical:
“I know I can’t control the outcome…but how can I make sure I get the outcome I want?”
And do we really believe that getting one more set of instructions will satisfy the brain once and for all, and it won’t come up with another “How do I do that?” or “What’s next?”
The brain can always find another question because there is one thing it really doesn’t like: uncertainty. So it can urge us to keep searching for reassurance and foolproof instructions.
🧠: “Tell me more of what I haven’t heard before! I want to feel that pleasant feeling of control and certainty again and again and again!”
Usually, the brain wants those instructions to give us immediate relief. But that’s not how recovery unfolds. The path toward acceptance, effortlessness and peace is usually gradual.
Education can prepare us, but it can’t spare us from experience.
At some point, we have to dive into our own exploration of what it means to let go, see thoughts for what they are, treat ourselves with compassion, face wakefulness and allow uncertainty.
And we need to be prepared that sometimes we’ll make mistakes. We’ll feel uncomfortable. We’ll feel lost. We’ll doubt ourselves. No amount of education can completely protect us from that.
I see it all the time: no matter how much I talk about every speed bump, mind trap, obstacle or rabbit hole, people still experience them. Education and other people’s experiences can prepare us and perhaps soften the landing, but they can’t eradicate the ups and downs.
Watch your mind for how-to questions
This doesn’t mean you should stop asking questions. There’s nothing wrong with clarifying something you don’t understand, and there’s certainly no need to suppress your natural curiosity.
Instead, pay attention to the place from which those questions are coming.
- Does it feel like you can’t take another step without reassurance that it will work?
- Does it feel like you absolutely need instructions for every step you take?
- Are you afraid to trust yourself?
- Are you afraid of making mistakes?
“How-to” questions can sometimes disguise an underlying desire for certainty: If I know exactly how to proceed, maybe I can avoid mistakes, anxiety, frustration, panic and other uncomfortable experiences.
But life doesn’t grant us such promises.
A path to freedom lies in knowing that we can take the next step that feels right based on what we know now. If it works, it works. If it doesn’t, we learn something and make another decision next time.