Paradoxical solution to insomnia

Insomnia can become a confusing and self-perpetuating problem. We worry about sleep, try to get it under control, and often end up feeling even more awake.

Here is the mechanism behind that cycle – and the direction out of it.

Insomnia in a nutshell

Everyone has a sleepless, choppy night from time to time. Some people move on from it, while others begin to fixate on the disruption and fear losing sleep.

Usually, the problem is not wakefulness itself, but what it means to us:

• If I don’t sleep tonight, I’m going to feel awful tomorrow.
• If I don’t sleep tonight, I won’t be productive.
• If I don’t sleep tonight, my health will be damaged.
• If I don’t sleep tonight, I’ll never enjoy my life.

Without that fear, being awake at night is usually a minor inconvenience. But when wakefulness feels unacceptable, we naturally try to make sleep happen. That pressure tends to create more wakefulness and more suffering.

The obvious answer might seem to be: I just need to stop worrying about sleep. But two forces make that harder than it sounds.

Force no. 1: The brain as a survival machine

Part of the brain is always scanning for possible danger. When it detects a threat, it launches the automatic fight, flight, or freeze response. In that state, sleep naturally becomes harder because the brain prioritizes survival over rest.

Imagine a caveman falling asleep by the fire when he suddenly hears a noise. That very moment, the safety alarm goes off: “Get up! It could be a predator!” Sleep disappears immediately because, as far as the brain is concerned, it’s too unsafe to sleep. But then the caveman realizes the noise was just the wind moving the bushes. There’s no danger. His fight-or-flight response turns off by itself, and eventually sleep resumes. The brain did its job: it warned him about possible danger.

The brain can react to perceived danger much like it reacts to immediate danger. When we fear sleeplessness and try to avoid it at all costs, insomnia can become one of those perceived threats. The brain tries to protect us from not sleeping… by making us more awake.

This reaction is automatic and involuntary. We do not consciously choose it.

Force no. 2: Sleep can’t be controlled

Sleep is a natural function of the body, not a skill we can hack or perform on command. The body already knows how to sleep, but we do not have manual access to that ability.

When we introduce effort and pressure around sleep, it usually becomes more elusive. Trying to sleep keeps bringing our attention back to whether sleep is happening – like trying to catch darkness by pointing a flashlight at it.

The paradox and its solution

So here we are, caught between two forces: a brain that tries to gain control over a perceived threat, and sleep that can’t be controlled.

We can’t simply shut down our survival response on command, and we can’t make sleep happen on command either. So where do we go from there?

Certainly not by trying to tackle the sleep part! It’s an understandable move – to try to get sleep under control, but a counterproductive one. Remember force no. 2 – sleep can’t be controlled by force and effort!

But the thing is, unlike sleep’s nature, the survival mechanism is more malleable. Even though we can’t shut the fear down in the moment, we can begin teaching our brain to stop treating nighttime and wakefulness as a problem.

So the solution to our insomnia paradox is also paradoxical. Instead of finding ways to avoid and eliminate wakefulness, we begin to change the way we think, act and feel about it. We start turning it from the enemy into something more benign or neutral.

Strongly holding onto a perspective that not sleeping at night is highly unacceptable and plain wrong is what instructs our survival mechanism to begin protecting us from it. And the only way our brain can protect us is by deploying fight-flight-freeze response – the very response that keeps sleep even further away.

Changing how we think about wakefulness, how we act during it, and how we treat ourselves during it is key in breaking insomnia’s cycle.

When the brain begins to learn that sleep doesn’t need saving, that wakefulness doesn’t have to be an enemy, and that we are safe even when sleep isn’t happening, the alarm no longer has the same reason to stay active.

Back to our caveman example: instead of continuing to see a predator in the bushes, the brain gradually learns that it was just the wind.

And only then does sleep have the space to come naturally. Not vice versa.

To make this fundamental shift in perception, we need education around sleep to demystify insomnia. We need to gradually make wakefulness our friend rather than our enemy, and use acceptance and self-compassion to lower the pressure surrounding sleep.

That journey can take a while, and it probably won’t be smooth or linear – but it’s not impossible.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Insomnia recovery can be quite confusing at times, especially when we’re left alone with our anxious thoughts. Sometimes, a fresh perspective and feedback from another human who’s been there can be invaluable support along the way. If you’d like some company on your journey, join the Fearless Sleep Library membership or book an individual call.